


"Do you still dream that you could've saved him?"

by NightOfFanfics



Category: BBC Sherlock, Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle, Sherlock Holmes - fandom
Genre: M/M, Mention of Death, angsty, mention of suicide, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-18 05:21:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11284527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightOfFanfics/pseuds/NightOfFanfics
Summary: This is a short fanfic I wrote to accompany my cosplay video that can be seen on this link here:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6N0ouqe6g8&feature=youtu.beI wanted to write a story to it because I wanted to make it even more meaningful than it already was. I hope you like it.Thank you. <3





	"Do you still dream that you could've saved him?"

"Do you still dream that you could've saved him?"  
By NightOfFanfics  
Short story.

John sat in the waiting room, his fist clenching and unclenching. He hated being here, but he also knew that if Greg found out he had skipped yet another appointment, he would never hear the end of it. Ella came out of the small room, walking up to John gently. “John? Are you ready?” She said softly, smiling at him calmly. John looked up at her, his eyes more tired than the last time they had met. “Yeah. Yeah I'm ready.” John said and stood up, straightening up a bit, and clutching his cane.

The limp was psychosomatic, he used to say. Twat. Idiot. John clenched his cane harder. He sat down in the chair in front of Ella, gently tipping his cane to the side of his chair. Ella smiled. “So, you have your cane again?” She said and John nodded. “Yes. Yes I do. My leg, it's... It's giving me some trouble again.” He said and nodded again, licking his lips nervously. “I see.” Ella said, scribbling a few things down on her paper before putting it away to the side.

“You look tired.” Ella said and clutched her hands together. John nodded. “Well that's because, I am. I am very tired. Haven't slept properly. Not in days.” John said and shook his head, looking down at his hands on his knees, that were clenching and unclenching once again. Ella nodded understandingly.

“Do you still dream that you could've saved him?” She asked, tilting her head at John softly. John froze, his eyes widening a little before closing painfully. All he could see was him jumping off that bloody roof. He couldn't even think his name outloud in his head, it was all too painful. “John?” Ella said, trying to get through to him. “It's alright if you are. It's a perfectly natural response to what you've been through, John.” She spoke softly, nodding her head. John opened his eyes once more, and looked at her with a weary gaze. “I could've saved him you know? If I just- If I hadn't listened. If I had just run up to that roof and-” John stopped as he heard himself raising his voice. “Yes, I do have dreams. But they come in different settings now. Different ways. I remember... I remember the times from Baskerville, God I was so pissed at him.” John stopped, burying his face in his hands. “I dream about running through those forests. That I've lost track of him. That I can't find him no matter how fast I run, no matter how hard I look. I feel so... Lost, and empty.” John said, looking up at Ella. Ella nodded. “Do you ever find him?” She asked and John slowly shook his head. “No. No I don't.” He said, his voice cracking. He dragged in a ragged breath, not wanting to cry. He had shed enough tears already. “I don't find him. And the rare occasions when I do he's... He's in a pool of blood. Laying there. Lifeless.” John whispered, looking out the window, clutching his hands and biting his lip. Ella nodded. “That must be terrible. Those images of him.” She said and John nodded. “Yeah, yeah they are.” He agreed.

“Why don't we try saying his name? You haven't since the accident-” “It was no accident do you hear me?” John interrupted her, nearly growling. “It was no bloody accident Sher-” John stopped quickly. “/He/ would never do that.” John corrected himself. Ella nodded. “I apologise, I worded it wrong, John.” She said and sighed. “You almost said it you know? His name. Do you want me to go first?” She asked and John shook his head. “I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it and I don't want to utter that idiot's name ever again.” John said, his voice getting frustrated. “I understand.” Ella said, backing away a little. “You keep calling him those names though. Idiot, heartless man, twat, /genius/. Are those words easier to say? Which one is the easiest?” She asked softly.

John looked up at her, giving her a sad smile. “The easiest? The easiest one is 'genius'. Because that's what he was the most. He was a genuis, too smart for his own good, too smart to ever let his heart speak out loud.” John said and snorted softly. Ella smiled. “You speak so highly of him.” She said and John nodded. “How can't I? He is... He /was/ my best friend.” John croaked, once again having to stop himself from crying. “If he would let his heart speak, what do you think it would say?” Ella asked, tilting her head a little. “Or, if it's easier, what would you /want/ it to say?” She asked, slowly and gently.

John's heart skipped a beat in his chest. /What would he want him to say?/ He didn't even know if there were enough words in his tiny little brain to explain it. John sat back in the chair, looking at Ella with somewhere between a solemn and a teasing expression. “I know what you're getting at, and I'm not saying it.” He said and shook his head. Ella shrugged. “I'm not trying to 'get' at anything John, I'm trying to help you.” She explained sincerely. John bit his lip and shook his head with a snort. “No. No no no. You are trying to make /me/ open up by talking as if I was /him/. See, that's not going to work for many reasons. /I/ am not a sodding genius. /I/ know a great deal about human emotion. /I/ would never do something so foolish as to end my life while my BEST FRIEND, IS BLOODY WATCHING FROM THE STREET, NOT ABLE TO DO A BLOODY THING ABOUT IT!!” John yelled, standing up from his seat, making Ella flinch back. “I would never do what he did! I would never be so heartless, so cold, such a bloody twat as to just leave! I would never leave like that! A human life is not only yours! It affects everyone around you!” John continued, his voice loud and upset. Ella just listened quietly, knowing the anger was good. John needed that. John buried his face in the palm of his hand, letting out a soft whine. John dropped his hands to his hips, shaking his head. “Sherlock was the greatest man I have ever known. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here today. I probably would've ended my own life and do you know why? Because when I came back I had /no one/. I had no one. I had no friends, no real family, and no one that truly cared if I was back from the war or not. If I had disappeared, no one would've been affected by it. But then Sherlock came around, and he changed my life.” John said, sitting down and burying his face in both of his hands.

“You said his name now.” Ella said quietly, putting a reassuring hand on John's shoulder. John nodded, sobbing quietly. “I think, any life lost, regardless if you have people around you or not, is a life that would've been worth saving. Your life is as valuable as anyone's, John. And if Sherlock was here right now, he would've said the same, and you know it.” She said and nodded softly. John continued sobbing, nodding his head before pulling away from his hands, looking at Ella with tear stained cheeks. “He probably would've called me a funny little man for crying like this as well.” John said with a soft smile and chuckled a little through the tears. Ella smiled. “He probably would've.” She said and smiled wider.


End file.
